DESPICABLE ME – WHY ARE WOMEN SO DESPICABLE TO ONE ANOTHER?

 

Rosie, an up and coming young female exec, pecks the following message to a friend about a colleague who leaves work early to avert a domestic crisis:


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nice guns

At the gym, two women spot another woman they know walking towards them. The one whispers to her buddy:

“On my gawd. Pass the barbecue sauce will ya. Look at the bingo wings on her!

Seconds later she is air kissing the owner of “the wings” and wouldn’t ya know it, still without breaking into a sweat of any kind, says:

nice guns babe

SNOW QUEENS AND THEIR ICY PRINCESSES

“You irritate us! You can’t play with us anymore.”elsa_the_minion_queen_by_jennifer_jovovich-d72ajkz

A group of four-year-olds (dressed in Elsa costumes) deliver this “break-up” message to another four-year-old at a Frozen party. (Frosty reception indeed. I guess it’s true what they say “winter comes earlier every year.”)

mean grrrrrls

When it comes to our relationships with women, why are we diabolical?

Why are our blows, always so low?

Why is it that when we slap, we have to “bitch” slap?

According to Sheryl Sandberg, we aren’t quite willing to “lean in” at our workplaces. But my observation is that many of us are quite happy to “step onto” and impale other women on the end of our stilettos before we return to cowering in the boardroom. Why is that?

Men aren’t nearly as skilled in the art our warfare.We connive. We manipulate. We ostracise. And it seems effortless.

mean_girls Designed by Concept Arts                 meanboyz2 spoof by Colby Melvin

And yet we all whinge and whine about those girls and their minions, but at some point we become that girl, or one of her minions.

mean girls t shirt

I am guilty. I can only hang my head in shame and ask “why when I knew better?”

HANGMAN

the EVOLUTION of nitpicking

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Hello ladies

According to some of the research floating about, this nasty behaviour evolved. We’re all vying for the Alpha Male (Adam if you prefer). Thanks to his superior genes and enviable hunting ability we all want him to breed with us. And we might even want him to hang around once he’s knocked us up.  Hence, our instinctual, instant dislike for any female who is attractive, younger, or who dares to display the wares.

All this effort to ensure our offspring can continue to plunder the earth, and our daughters can give each other the icy shoulder from age four.

And as our technology advances, the hatred becomes as pervasive, public, and destructive as anti-biotic resistant bacteria.

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If Darwin dropped by would he study the “smaller” brained female species and observe:  “200,000 years of evolution and nitpicking is still their favourite pastime.”

To err  is human, but to “losh” about it, divine!

It seems nothing bonds women together as tightly as mutual hatred. And let’s face it every woman needs her posse to survive. (It is also helpful if the posse ride turbocharged SUVs so they can help transport her and Alpha Male’s genetically superior, over-achieving brood to their many, many, many extra-murals.)

If you’ve sat around a table with a group of women (even the most ordinary of the good lord’s creatures) you don’t have to be a social anthropologist to know how this story ends:22210158_s

Everyone is “nice” and then at some point the convo will move (or be nudged) to trash talk about some other female (in abstentia). Then according to the jury of morally superior, outraged women she will be guilty of being the worst mother, wife, sister, friend, colleague, boss or bottom-feeding skank since the dawn of mankind. When this happens, the pecking order is determined by she who can use her beak the best. Consequently, as per the group norm all the hens will contribute to the glorious cacophony up in the hen house until they’ve (inadvertently) pecked the poor chick’s eyes out.

Like bad hens, we eventually cannibalise the souls of other women. Sadly, in the process we teach our little chicklets to do the same.

KARMA WILL BITCH SLAP YOU!

But here’s the thing I know to be true:

You may be a bitch, but Karma is a super bitch, or an albatroaz* (trust me, I know).

Let’s get back to the story about thorny Rosie, and her ugly rant about her “breeding, lactating colleague”.

Karma put on her nicest Louboutins and stepped up to restore the natural order because as it turns out Rosie accidentally sent the message to her financial director.

(Oopsie Daisy, or should we say, oopsie Rosie!!!)

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The only thing Rose is now in charge of is the car-pool roster at her new boss’s daughter’s school. Most people agree that au-pairing was a well-deserved career move.

So let’s try to be nice ladies because as Madeleine Albright said:

“There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”

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“Hand me a sharp knife and some BBQ sauce, will ya!”

So don’t be a __________, do like Bill and Ted said and:

bill and ted


Notes: this is a work of fiction. any resemblance to any persons (bitchy or otherwise), (living or dead) at the time of writing, or publication, is purely co-incidental, and most unfortunate.

also, no 4-year-olds were harmed in writing this though the author was tempted to attach them upside down (by their synthetic elsa wigs) to the monkey bars.

[1] “Elsa” from the movie Frozen (2013). Elsa the Minion Queen art by Jennifer Jovovich.

[2] “Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead” (2013) by Sheryl Sandberg.

[3] Mean Girls (2004). Screenplay by Tina Fey. Poster design by Concept Arts.

[4] Mean Boyz Poster from mean girls parody by Todrick Hall.

[5] The word “Losh” is from the Hebrew term Lashon hara. It refers to derogatory speech about another person. A sin in the Jewish religion.

[6] Word “albatroaz” is from the song “I’m an Albatroaz” by Aron Chupa. Apparently the song has nothing to do with the big bird. Who knew, right? According to urbandictionary.com: “to be an albatraoz is to be a strong woman, or, in other words, a boss ass bitch.” Great concept, but let’s leave that job to Karma ladies. (Song is PG Rated)

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[7] “Despicable Me” tank T by the awesome folks with good taste at Teepublic.com. Check ’em out here.

[8] “Bill and Ted” from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. (1989). Photographer/creator unknown.

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